This Is Your Sign

When is it time to call it quits? 

Throughout my life I have been in roughly five/six relationships. The reason it is not a certain number is because one of those relationships was never really official. Though I am in a healthy relationship now with my current partner, my previous experiences were not always good. When you're young it is hard to understand the complexities of relationships and the everlasting affect you can have on someone's life. It's hard to understand when you are young because you haven't fully experienced what the after math of toxicity is like. And I also think it is easier for younger people to do or say harmful things without realizing how that could impact someone for the rest of their life. When I was young I was completely unaware of what love in a healthy relationship should look like. I wanted to write a post for the person who may not be aware of the situation they're in. I wanted to write a post for the person that needed to hear what a loving healthy relationship looks like. I wanted to write a post for the person I was. 

Now of course I don't have a degree in psychology, and I don't consider myself an expert in relationships by any means, but I wanted to share my personal experiences and how I have come to understand them. Besides the fact that my negative experiences have encouraged me to write about them, there is another reason as well.

Being active on social media like the rest of the world I often come across posts talking about "not giving up on your relationship." Posts that say relationships are hard work, that you have to stick it out til the end; and while I agree that relationships are something you have to work towards endlessly, I do not necessarily think this is a healthy default mindset to have.

Being older it is much more easier to understand what a toxic relationship looks like, as well as the impact it can have on those involved. When I was in a toxic relationship I was unaware of my situation because I did not know what toxic relationships looked like because I was convinced that all forms of love were genuine. But what I experienced was not always love. Being in that position uninformed about how unhealthy my relationship was at the time, I would have interpreted a post like that and thought to myself, that love means never giving up no matter what, I have to put the work regardless of my situation. That is not what commitment looks like, even if it sounds romantic it really is not good. Commitment is growing together, learning with each other, and having a deep compassion and understanding for one another.

I don't think we can blame young people because they are naive, I know that I was naive and uninformed which is how I ended up in these toxic situations. 

Toxicity Comes In Different Forms 

There are a myriad of ways toxic relations may form or appear. It is important to note that abuse is not the only way a relationship can be toxic or unhealthy. 

Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual, mental & verbal. These different types of abuse can cross over one another or stand completely on their own, but it is important to understand that all these types of abuse stem from power and control. It is equally important to understand that anyone can be an abuser and anyone can be a victim. Though it might be more common for males to be abusers, that does not mean females cannot be abusers as well. Whatever your relationship dynamic, it makes no difference. 

The reason I chose the chart below is because I like how it displays the various types of abuse. What I do find problematic about it, is the fact that it is gendered as if an abuser is only a male and a victim is only a female. This, we know, is not true in all cases.

My Experiences 

I would like to say that in no way am I trying to "destroy" anyone's life by talking about what I have experienced. Though the things that happened to me were not okay, I was 18 & 19 years old. I believe that the people I dated during this time of my life were also unaware of the damage and harm they caused me. And I'm not trying to place blame, but more so bring awareness to people who are not informed of what an unhealthy relationship looks like. At the time I didn't know. 

I would also like to say that the way in which I remember these events is from my memory, these occurred roughly seven years ago so please know that this is how I specifically remember it.  

My First Experience 

The first relationship I had was in my senior year of high school, with a guy I really liked. We were in the same activities together and we really clicked. I had told him I liked him and he rejected me, which is fine, except for the fact that he kept sending mixed signals. He said he didn't want a relationship but he kept talking to me. Eventually he came around and said he wanted to date, which I was happy about obviously. 

As time went on things got a little weird. Me being young, I did not see these signs at all. I didn't see red flags, I thought that this is how relationships were supposed to be and I normalized his behaviors and the way he talked to me. 

At the time I didn't know what emotional abuse was, and I had no idea it existed and it wasn't until I read about emotional abuse that I had any idea that I had experienced it. 

He would constantly put me down over anything. It never mattered how big or small it was or even if it was true. I remember when we both applied for college and neither of us had gotten into a really hard school, and I told him I was as upset as he was. He said something along the lines that I shouldn't have been surprised because my SAT Score wasn't even as good whereas his SAT Score was near perfect. So I didn't get to be upset because I wasn't as smart as him.

 My senior year I wrote and directed a one act play. I believe it was me and five other seniors who directed short acts to gain experience in directing a show. Unlike all my classmates I took the time to write my own show, with the help of some friends. It took a couple months to form a draft, edit it, get it approved my my teacher, and then of course cast the production as well as make all the props. I cannot take credit for all the work but the show was like my child. I can say modestly that the show I created was received very well and I am still proud of it, we all worked so hard on it and it showed. When I had asked him what he thought of my show during a performance, he said that people were laughing at my show because they felt bad for me. That my show was just a cheap version of SNL (if I remember right). And I couldn't believe he said that, because I knew it wasn't true. Even though I was smart enough to know that what he was saying wasn't true I still didn't make the connection of how mean and belittling of my accomplishments he was. 

Often times if I got upset about something he said or did, he would explain that it was my fault I was upset and that he "never said he was nice." I think the reason I stayed in the relationship was because I kept thinking that it would change. I kept thinking like, "oh this is love I can't give up on this." That was not love. After prom he took me home and immediately said he had to get sleep because he had Jazz or something the next day. I found out from my friend he had actually gone to a girls overnight party close to his neighborhood without me, and crashed there. Now I don't believe he did anything with anyone, but when I confronted him about it he told me that me being upset was a me problem because he did nothing wrong. 

Now, I can rationally understand how manipulative and belittling he was towards me, and I would like to add that these examples don't even begin to cover the day to day experiences. I feel like in a way he trained me to not question him, because if I did we would have problems and it always ended up being my fault anyway. 

I waited to have sex until I was 18, and the only reason I wanted to do it was because I didn't want to be a virgin. I wasn't very interested in it at all, I was curious but it wasn't something I was looking forward to. We ended up engaging in sex, which was awful and awkward. It was the following week where he said he wanted to break up with me. He said it was him, not me blah blah blah. I was so upset. And the thing about it is we were having a regular conversation and out of the blue he wanted to end things. It was weird. And I cried and I told him he didn't do anything, that we had just shared something special. Him wanting to break up was something he talked about every once in a while, and I think it was to keep me scared of losing him. It made me try harder to prevent our relationship from ending. Which is not healthy whatsoever. 

Valentines Day was easily one of the worst experiences. He had told me he wanted to spend the day with me. So I went over to his house, and we were alone just watching a movie no big deal. He made me mac & cheese which was nice. He suggested us going upstairs and well fill in the blanks. Which I was fine with, I consented to it. I figured it was Valentines Day so whatever. It was still awkward and weird. Whatever. It wasn't even like five minutes, he looks at me and tells me I had to leave. I was very confused, cause he had told me about all these plans he made and he just needed me to leave. He was tired and wanted to nap and I had to leave. I just didn't understand why. But I did leave, I was very upset. And I couldn't go home because I had told my parents I would be gone all day. So I drove to the supermarket parking lot and sat there for a long while just crying. I felt very guilty, and used, and hurt, lied to, manipulated, abandoned etc. I felt terrible. I know, I know it is not the worst thing that could happen to a person. But the effect it had on me still affects me today. 

And it wasn't until months later he finally broke up with me during a musical we were both in, in which our characters kissed on stage. He told me he was faking loving me for months, that I knew this relationship would come to an end and he didn't understand why I was so upset.

We didn't have that honeymoon stage, the thing he did instead was being extra nice to me when other people were around. If someone came up to us and started talking to us his whole demeanor would shift and he became the perfect boyfriend. But he only did it when other people were around, almost as if I was an accessory to his status.  

I can't lie, it's so hard to talk about because it's kind of embarrassing. I know better now and I'm like mad at myself for allowing myself to be in that situation and staying in that situation. It was draining, exhausting and terrible. Absolutely terrible. And these examples don't even cover the tone of this relationship as a whole. There's so much that I normalized that shouldn't have been normal. I think when you're in an emotionally abusive relationship it's so easy to lose sight of what really matters, because you are just constantly battling trying to make things work and they never will. Abuse is a cycle and even though he told me he loved me, his behaviors showed he did not. 

My Second Experience 

After that last relationship, I started dating a new guy. It happened very fast but it was super different in a good way. He was really nice to me and would carry my books and when I graduated we had a long distance relationship but it went okay for the most part.

I think the distance really hurt us in some ways but when I think back I remember going home a lot because ultimately it was a short train ride. I had noticed a change in him and it started with intimacy. I wasn't comfortable having sex because of my previous relationship, and he didn't seem to accept that. Sex became this common topic and he would say things like, "people who love each other have sex so why don't you love me?" or even compare our relationship to all his friends because they were having sex and we weren't. I remember being so fed up that I told him after we dated for a year then we could have sex. I was so mad. I didn't understand why it was so important because I wasn't comfortable doing it and it just constantly came up in every conversation. As if saying "no" was me saying "convince me," which it wasn't. He would try to find ways to turn the situation and would try and manipulate me into doing things I initially didn't want to. Though we never had sex he talked me into doing things I wasn't entirely comfortable with. I can reflect back and understand why it doesn't bother as much anymore however, it was not okay for him to continuously do so when I had already conveyed my discomfort.

I remember he talked me into going down on him and I ended up spitting instead of swallowing and he told me that was less attractive so he encouraged me to swallow.

Every sexual experience we had together was all about him. It was never really focused on me and if for whatever reason he did focus on me, he always found an excuse as to why he was unable to do things to me. It was how I smelled, it was my body hair, it was my stomach, etc. it made me feel terrible about my body.

One time decided to dye my hair, it was a spur of the moment so I did not tell him about it. When I sent him a picture of my new hair color he got super mad about about it. I remembering him saying he was attracted to blondes more than brunettes (dyed my hair brown). The weird thing was that he then went on social media and made a post about how much he loved my new hair or something along the lines of how hot I looked. This kind of behavior is not healthy, not only did he make me feel unattractive he made me feel like my body was  not my own. Whatever you decide to do with your hair color, tattoos, piercings, or any cosmetic alteration to your body is your choice. When you are in a relationship with someone they should be supportive to you. It was even worse when he went online and praised my changed look because I knew that it wasn't how he really felt. He put up a facade to make our relationship seem like something it wasn't to impress other people. I'm not saying I would've liked him to tell everyone how he really felt about it but the fact that he went out of his way to lie to everyone we knew was just weird. It made me feel like I didn't know what to believe because at the end of the day he cared more about what people thought than about how I felt.  

Another time similar to my hair dye experience, would be the time I posted something about how great my roommate was because she went out of her way to clean my bathroom. Honestly so nice of her I will never forget it. I made a post about how thankful I was to have her as a roommate and how much I appreciated her, because she really didn't have to go out of her way to do that. Not long after I posted it my boyfriend brought up how upset he was that I would post about my roommate and not him. If I wasn't posting about him it made him feel like I didn't care about him because the age that we live in is almost centered around your social media presence. When you care more about what you look like online rather than your own personal relationship, you lose sight of what truly matters in a relationship. I do not blame him for valuing social media because I do think that is a common issue for modern relationships, I do want to say that if you care more about how your relationship looks rather than how it is that is not going to make your relationship better or healthier. In fact it will probably cause more issues because you're saying and doing things online for the wrong reasons.  

He was super nice to me, but sexual things would make him so mad if I didn't want to do them. And it made me feel uncomfortable and also angry because if someone truly loves you they don't pressure you into doing things you don't want to do, They don't keep trying to persuade you into doing things you're not comfortable doing. It doesn't even have to be in a sexual context.

I think he got controlling towards the end of our relationship, and very angry. He went off and had told me I wasn't the girl he loved and he couldn't handle my mental illness, which I don't hold against him. But I had laid it out that he was the one that changed and he actually agreed with me. This was so validating to hear from him. Because even though our relationship came to an end to some extent he understood that he affected the outcome as well. Which is a start towards maturity. The thing that really hurt me is that two weeks went by after we broke up and he started dating someone new. That was pretty shitty and it made me feel like he must have not cared about our relationship for a long time. I think it's okay to move on from relationships obviously it helps to move forward, when you move on in less than a month after breaking up it just seems a little suspicious.  

Even though I didn't end either of these relationships I'm so thankful that they ended. The reason I did not end them myself is because I did not understand that both of these experiences were toxic. In addition to that throughout our lives we are shown that love is a struggle, regardless of that struggle you are suppose to keep fighting for your relationship. I want to say that there are things that can happen in a relationship that it is more than okay to walk away from. I was put in uncomfortable situations because I wasn't aware that they were not normal and not what love actually is. I know I'm not the only person in the world to experience this kind of thing. We weren't taught in high school about emotional abuse, which is equally important and almost harder to recognize.

Let Me Further Explain

Both of these relationships were very different from one another, yet they had similarities. From what I recall the first experience I had was more toxic than the second. The fact that they did happen right after each other also impacted me quite a bit because I couldn't escape this emotional abuse. Both of these people tried or did manipulate me into situations that I was not comfortable in, at the time I didn't have the knowledge or strength to leave. I didn't understand that these relationships would have such a negative impact on my life now.

I feel as though abuse isn't always brought to light. That I hear of famous people in these domestic violent situations and they are so overlooked. A while back I wrote about Twilight and how Edward and Bella's relationship is romanticized even though it's clearly toxic. He is very controlling, and when that is showcased to a younger audience the message comes across that controlling partners are really loving. I'm not solely blaming Twilight by any means, it's just a great example because in a way it reflects the idea that through any struggle including controlling emotional abuse, you stay committed to fighting for your relationship. The major issue with Twilight in particular would be the fact that it is specifically targeted to younger audiences. Which in return means that young people who cannot recognize the fact that Bella and Edward's relationship is unhealthy end up idolizing their toxic relationship.

I spent so long trying to understand what I did wrong in both of these relationships. And it made dating so difficult because I just struggled being vulnerable with anyone. I have gone on dates with people who said things that made me uncomfortable, because they also thought that "no" meant "convince me" which it does not. Though I wasn't in long exclusive relationships with these dates, it showed me that what I had experienced was not uncommon. That this treatment of people is almost like what we are taught is normal when in fact it's very unhealthy.

What Can We Do

Trying to help people out of abusive situations can be extremely difficult because when you are in that situation you are either unaware of it completely, or terrified for your life. Obviously my situations were not horrific or dangerous but abuse can lead to that unfortunately.

Though I could summarize the steps in order to help someone dealing with abuse, I found a website that perfectly sums it up: 

https://www.thehotline.org/2017/02/16/supporting-someone-returning-to-abusive-relationship/ 

Domestic Violence can happen to anyone, it is so important to be educated on the signs as well as the steps in order to help someone you know out of their toxic situation. 

When we see stuff that encourages people to fight for their relationships no matter what, we have to recognize how that ideal can be interpreted. It can be very toxic to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Both relationships I was in were unhealthy and I thought by staying in them I was doing the right thing. To fight endlessly. But all it did in the end is hurt me more. I'm a firm believer that life is trauma, and unfortunately we all are going to experience hurt, pain, loss, abandonment etc. sometime in our life. Even though it's hard to get to a place where we reflect and deal with the pain we encounter it helps us grow. I'm able to understand those around me but most importantly myself. It is not easy to look back on the things that have a negative impact on us or our life. But it is so essential in order to cope and deal with our emotions and learn from our past. I feel as though I am a stronger and wiser person from these experiences. Even though it took me so long to get to this point of being comfortable talking about these events, I still got here.

To The People Who Knew Me During These Times, 

I want to say that if you read this and you think you know the people I'm talking about, or you have an idea of who these people are, that I don't need you to do anything with that information. I don't feel right in my life to reach out to these people because I'm not ready and I might never be ready. I'm comfortable sharing my experiences so other people can know what isn't healthy in any kind of relationship.