Sex-Negative Culture

Isn't Sex Normal? 

Growing up in a world as a young female I was often told by multiple adults what the value of sex is, and of course the concept of sacred virginity. My entire life, even including my adulthood, sex has been shown and displayed to be something women should be scared of, hold off on, and be cautious about. In our modern society media has greatly influenced the way we think about sex in relation to men and women. Not only are women subjected to feel as though sex is something that makes them impure, but men are often shown that being a "man" means to engage in sex as soon as possible and often. Though there may be a double standard between the sexes, both of these ideals are expressed through media. These two extreme ways to view sex are problematic because not only does it encourage objectifying women but it also pressures men.

Now in no way am I trying to persuade anyone into engaging in sexual activity before marriage unless, of course, that appeals to you. Do not make that choice unless you are comfortable with that choice. And in no way am I trying to make anyone feel as though waiting until marriage is wrong or bad - I don't think that - I just think our society has become accustom to this negative idea about sex, which causes issues within individuals making it difficult to be comfortable doing something completely normal. 

When we tell young women to value their bodies and sex organs more than other parts of them, we're really creating a toxic mindset that objectifies women internally and externally. Society and Media play a huge role in the impact of this mindset - that women should be valued based on their body instead of their mind, emotions, passions, goals and dreams. This is a sexist & misogynistic culture that we have created for our society. Thus, reinforces these perceptions on what virginity and sex should be while perpetuating prejudices and continuing illness's it constructs. 

Body Shaming 

In order to understand how negative sex culture still progresses in modern society it is important to understand the unrealistic standards society has created for the average person. The main issue is that society has cast a westernized beauty standard not just for women but men as well. Although I think this issue is more directed towards women, we cannot ignore the fact that men also are held to unrealistic standards as well. How does this compare to negative sex culture? Well negative sex culture teaches adolescents that their value is in their body. When we talk about sex we explore the idea of "losing your virginity" and how that affects the way people judge you. Our bodies are then not entirely our own, but essentially belonging to society. The choice in which you do what you want with your body becomes an issue involving the world around you. 

Body shaming historically has been around forever, but is more documented now because of social media. Now body shaming can be related in various types of communities all stagnated in various ways based on what we as a society are told what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Body shaming is not primarily linked to negative sex culture but does in some ways affect it overall. If we are not taught to feel comfortable in our own bodies, but then taught that we are valued by our bodies - this is a toxic mindset that sets people up for mental health problems, self esteem issues, and can lead to very damaging self medication or even trauma.

'Me Too' Movement 

The 'Me Too' movement is absolutely essential in displaying the ways in which Negative Sex Culture has been progressing through the years. Individuals were taken advantage of in primarily the film industry, but this movement doesn't stop there. There are tons of cases of mostly women stepping forward about negative experiences they had when men in power took advantage of them when they had the opportunity. Men in the industry have also stepped forward, which is equally important and should be treated as such. In order to move towards a progressive understanding on how to stop unwanted sexual advances we need to create an inclusive narrative, only then will people be comfortable stepping forward and only then can justice take place. 

Though the experiences of men are equally important to those of women, there is a difference of how often women experience these unwanted advances compared to men. I think women suffer more from this than men do because of how our society views sex, and creates this double standard divide between the cisgenders*. 

I feel as though it is crucial to hold everyone accountable for their actions, and in no way does it make any sense to blame victims for the abuse or trauma they had little to no control over. I do think part of the issue is that historically our society has turned a blind eye to things of this nature allowing powerful men to do what they want. And I think another part of the issue is how we raise adolescents into this culture promoting sexist norms.

Though I lived through The Twilight Saga I did not watch or get involved with any of the movies when they came out. I attempted to read the first book and soon realized it did not peak my interest personally, so I've never read them either. Recently out of boredom I decided to watch these films and I felt that they portrayed a negative-sex theme. These films came out while I was in middle school and as most people can gather, they were extremely, almost ridiculously, popular. However popular this saga may be, we cannot ignore the fact that it promotes negative-sex culture. Although young adolescents may not have been aware of that theme when these films came out, it doesn't negate the impact the series' sex negative themes may have had without viewer understanding. The important thing to understand in regards to Twilight specifically is that this film is targeted towards younger audiences. Why is that important? Because when film attempts to portray a "healthy relationship" that actually isn't healthy at all adolescents are not able to understand how Twilight is problematic so instead they romanticize it whereas if this film were targeted towards adults they would be able to distinguish how abusive Edward is towards Bella.

Now I'm not trying to drag Twilight to filth, and in no way am I saying this is the only film that has a sex-negative theme. I just think it is one good example to explore in regards to media demonstrating these types of stigmas.

Twilight hits just about all the fundamental teachings of negative sex culture. Just focusing on the plot of the films we can see that sex before marriage is heavily frowned upon. Though Bella's character is portrayed as eager to have a physical relationship with Edward, he continuously turns down sex with her (until they are married). Edward can be interpreted as a representation of traditional values when it comes to sex in a relationship whereas Bella represents the opposite. Edward talks about Bella's "virtue" and him taking that from her is sacred and special. Especially since Edward has already lost his "virtue."

After Edward and Bella get married they do have sexual relations, but then Edward realizes that he is too strong for Bella (because of his vampire strength) because he accidentally hurts her. Edward then makes it clear to Bella they cannot have sex even though they are married. Bella of course does not like this and continues to prance around in lingerie in the hopes she can change his mind.

I think what we can take away from the plot of these films would be the fact that there is so much pressure of sex and it plays such a big role in their relationship which makes it problematic. Why is it problematic? It's problematic because it teaches young adults that holding off on sex has some benefit because it is so important. Look at what happens to Bella after her and Edward do have sex - *spoiler* she gets pregnant and dies. Edward is also abusive towards Bella not necessarily physically but emotionally. Edward wants control over Bella, he tries to read her mind, stalks her around, is extremely protective (even when they are not together), and tells her what to do. I think the abuse in the saga is interpreted as love, compassion and commitment. The controlling behavior Edward expresses in the film is very alarming and actually quite creepy. But by romanticizing Edward the film is essentially allowing the audience to interpret his actions as a normal, healthy, and even desirable. Which in retrospect supports negative sex culture, because it teaches men these kinds of behaviors and women to accept these behaviors. Even though it is very obvious that he is abusive, adolescents might not be able to make that clear connection.

Take for example Jacob imprinting on Bella and Edward's infant daughter. Not only is this completely weird in the first place but also can be seen as pedophilia and grooming* in ways. Now to our knowledge Jacob does not do anything to Renesmee, but the fact that he has chosen her at her birth sets up the possible narrative that Jacob could groom Renesmee. The other factor about imprinting in this case, is that Renesmee being an infant she has no say in the matter. It does not seem consensual and in fact feels as if he can and will groom her as she grows up because, well, she's an infant. In the Twilight universe we can also see that it has many fantastical parts, one of which allows Renesmee to grow up at an accelerating rate. However, this does not excuse the fact that when Jacob did imprint on her she was underage. Which is wildly inappropriate and extremely weird even in the Twilight universe.

There are plenty of films out there that can be criticized for various reasons, but one reason in particular we should be looking at media is because it does heavily influence adolescents. So if we're displaying, romanticizing and normalizing this kind of relationship that objectifies women and displays abusive behavior that is an issue. We cannot ignore the impact media has on youth. We need to change the way we see and talk about sex because it is not the most important aspect in a relationship. Sex is a normal and healthy part of life and individuals should be able to make consensual educated choices that do not shame them in anyway.

Some shows have recently come out that discuss Sex in a different way rather than displaying it as something to be ashamed of. Sex Education (2019-) and PEN15 (2019-) are two streaming shows that focus on adolescents that are exploring their curiosities in regards to sex. Sex Education compared to PEN15 focuses more on sex, and covers a variety of circumstances adolescents could encounter. Otis Milburn's mother is a Sex Therapist, so he essentially becomes the Sex Therapist of his peers in order to help them understand their anxieties and struggles within the context of sex. The original Netflix series is sex-positive because not only does it show various ways teens deal with sex, it also is inclusive in exploring queer sexuality. Something that should also be noted is that the show lays out unhealthy relationships as well. Instead of romanticizing - the series exposes problematic ideologies further discussing  the effects of these experiences. This series in no way is biased towards it's audience but instead shares multiple realistic narratives that have the ability to be informative and comedic.

PEN15, on the other hand, is a more retro show that has comedic undertones in relation to the middle school experience of two girls. This show, like Sex Education, is also sex positive, because not only does it normalize curiosity, it also normalizes female masturbation. Which is usually not talked about or ignored completely. The Hulu series explores mostly themes of friendship but also explores a variety of issues young adults can face. Even though this show's main focus is not primarily on sex, it still covers the topic in a comedic way, which opens up dialogue about what adolescents experience and why it is important to help teens understand sex instead of shaming them from it.


Now obviously I know that The Twilight Saga is based on fantasy fiction, whereas Sex Education & PEN15 are based more on realistic characters. However, despite the fantasy setting we cannot ignore the fact that Twilight still displays unhealthy relationships in regards to sex. Twilight, while it may take place in an unrealistic universe, is still sex-negative and problematic. So even though these genres are extremely different from one another they still have the ability to demonstrate healthy relationships. Now if Twilight's purpose was to display abusive and unhealthy relationships then it did a successful job, but Twilight romanticizes abuse as if it is normal and healthy which it is not.

Media has a great influence on society, which in return affects our culture and views about various topics. Series' like these help create a realistic and normal perspective about sex. They can be informative and without bias. Though we shouldn't rely on media alone to teach adolescents about sex, having sex positive series, films, stories, etc... can help our society get rid of negative stigmas against sex and help young adults be able to feel comfortable asking their questions and seeking information that can help them be more educated about their bodies and overall what to expect from a healthy sex life. 

Sex Education 

Sex Education has been taught in schools since 1970 - which in retrospect is not that long. The reason for having Sex Education was to prevent teen pregnancy. In context Sex Ed in schools is beneficial because it can open up a controlled discussion about sex allowing adolescents a safe environment to understand the different aspects of sex instead of relying on parental figures to go over everything.

Sex Ed has different limitations varying from State to State. Most States include basic Abstinence Only and HIV education. Both focusing on a medical approach to sex. Because States vary on what they focus on in regards to Sex Ed there is no one standard curriculum that is inclusive on what adolescents need to hear and understand.

Now I understand why people are opposed to Sex Ed being taught to adolescents, personally I feel like sex shouldn't be a thing until a person is at least 18. However, how I personally feel (or how you may feel) does not disregard the fact that sex happens among adolescents. So instead of shaming sex and conveying it as a negative experience maybe we need to take an informative well rounded approach.

Some methods used in modern Sex Ed still create negative ideologies based around sex. For example the Used Tape analogy. If you are unfamiliar with this abstinence only approach it displays the ways that sex makes you 'unclean' and 'less desirable' the more sex you have. Basically a piece of tape is displayed and stuck to various people, the more people the tape touches the less sticky it becomes. Sex is not like tape. This analogy is a very toxic way to display how people think of sex especially when it is targeted at young women. Once again we have this idea where women's bodies are worth more than anything else. Whether or not one chooses to have sex with one partner or multiple partners shouldn't define their worth or how desirable they are, let alone how clean they are. Sex usually isn't a one time thing, whether it is with one partner or various partners. Even if you wait until marriage to have sex with one person for the rest of your life - the tape will still loose its sticky-ness. So this teaching method is completely misguiding, and embodies negative sex culture. The Used Tape analogy reinforces young adults to view their body as not their own. That the choices you make with your body will impact everyone you meet in your life because having lots of sex makes you gross. Even if some people believe that sex does not make one gross. we need to focus on normalizing sex in healthy consensual ways instead of shaming people. Sex not only is how we create life, but also how we have orgasms. Which are both fascinating and normal.

So what should Sex Ed be like? What should it cover? Well of course the aspects of sex we all need to be cautious about. STD's & STI's, what they are and how to prevent them. Understanding how pregnancy happens, and the ways to avoid pregnancy. Different birth control methods, why certain ones may be better for certain people. And of course the most important thing, consent. We don't talk about consent enough which then translates over to not talking about mutual pleasure. The lack of consent in conversation makes it seem as if women say "no" to sex that it actually means to convince them. Which is not true. Not only is that an issue but it lacks the understanding and teachings that sex does not surround the pleasure of one partner. Another important factor in regards to consent is knowing what does not equal consent. If someone has been drinking, if someone says no, if someone changes their mind, even if a spouse says no to sex then it is not consensual. Emphasizing the importance of consent is the best way to positively impact our society so women and men feel safer. It could also benefit from getting rid of the ideological ideals women and men face in regards to sex because being told to not have sex or being told to have sex should not be what drives the decision to engage in sex. It should be a consensual educated choice two adults make without any shame or pressure.

We also need to understand that not every person on this planet is straight so integrating various types of partners you can have and the different precautions that comes with that, because LGBTQ need inclusive Sex Ed as well. Hetero-normative* culture should not set the bar for everyone and be the only perspective we offer young adults. In no way do I think it is fair for adolescents to only be exposed to hetero focused sex ed because not everyone is going to need just that information. It's ostracizing to LGBTQ youth and in no way helps prepare them.

If people still have an issue with Sex Ed in schools maybe there should be options for students to decide what they want to know. Maybe a base generic curriculum that gives a good foundation to the various aspects of sex would be good for everyone. But if students feel they need more information or a safe place to ask questions there should be other programs available to them. I think often times people hear Sex Ed and think "I don't want someone teaching my kid how to have sex" but that's really not the case. It should be an inclusive conversation that helps adolescents understand what sex is, why it happens, and what they need to be aware of. Because without any knowledge or understanding of sex, we are subjecting young adults to explore these things on their own with the potential of risking their health and altering their life without  fully realizing the possible outcomes.

If we treat sex as a normal aspect of life, with the approach of helpful inclusive information for curious teens, then maybe we can help progress towards a society that does not take part in negative sex culture. Meaning we can help people accept their bodies, teach people the importance of consent in hoping to demolish negative sexual experiences, and promote the idea that different people have different wants, needs, desires in their sexual life and their is no shame in that (which does not include illegal sexual activity). Basically a sex-positive outlook in our culture and society would be way better than what we have now. 

Sex Positive

Sex was something I chose to participate in when I became an adult. I'm not ashamed of that choice, but it lead to really negative first experiences that have continuously affected my current sex life. Though I don't want to go into the specific details of my experiences, they left me feeling insecure, used, objectified, guilty, and shameful. I believe these feelings persisted because of the culture our society has around sex. I feel insecure because someone told me my body was not good enough. I felt used & objectified because someone told me that's all they wanted from me. I felt guilt & shame because for years I thought I had done something wrong. I have a deep anxiety in relation to this type of stuff, not only is it hindering me from accepting my body or feeling good in my body, it is completely embarrassing to talk about. I think the sex education I had in school did not teach me or provide me with a greater understanding of what sex means and how it can be a positive experience. Having information about the importance that goes into mutual consent, and mutual pleasure, would have been beneficial for myself and my partners. I think above everything it is important to inform young adults what healthy relationships can look like and of course what unhealthy relationships can look like.

There can be ways where sex-positive ideals can create issues. Sex-positive does not mean encourage everyone to be sexually active. It's more so about normalizing sexual experiences and allowing people to feel comfortable in their bodies.We need to do better as a society by informing adolescents about sex instead of trying to scare them away from it. Creating a safe space where young adults feel like they can ask questions and seek knowledge about sex should be a goal we have. Sex is a normal part of life, and shouldn't be something we as a culture feel is shameful or embarrassing.

Glossary

Cisgender: denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender corresponds with their birth sex
Grooming: training, preparing or conditioning someone usually over a longer period of time, referencing to a pedophile's process of building trust with a child, wearing down the child's boundaries
Hetero-normative: denoting or relating to a world view that promotes heterosexuality as the normal or preferred sexual orientation

Please Note

In no way do I condone underage sex.

All photos from this blog post can be found searching through Google Images.