The Truth About Depression

Depression Confession 

Looking back on my early adolescent experiences I now understand that for a huge portion of my life I've had depression. I wasn't always aware of what this feeling was or even how it became a part of my life. Not only did it take me years to understand, but it is also something I'm deeply ashamed of and embarrassed by. 

I feel like we always go through this strange cycle when a celebrity with depression dies. There's this 15 minutes of awareness being promoted and the suicide hotline being posted on everyone's social media. Though I understand why that happens and the fact that people are trying to show they care it is not enough and really makes no actual impact. I know that sounds harsh. I'm not trying to be critical but it almost makes it like a fad and blowing up someone who died can almost glamorize death. That may not be the intent but that can be an effect. 

I don't think it is wrong to admire people who have died because of their mental illness that wouldn't make any sense. But I think it's wrong to temporarily care about mental illness when people in your life are struggling with it every day. 

My Depression

Mental Illness is different for everyone. Obviously depression and anxiety have similarities in the way people experience them but ultimately everyone has their own way of dealing with illness. There is also a difference of why people experience these illnesses and how long it can affect them.

For me my depression is a daily struggle that stems from my biology. Though there are situations in my life that can add to me feeling depressed ultimately it is in my DNA. Which means I really don't have full control over my depression. Which sucks.

My depression started in middle school. I felt really isolated and there was a girl at my bus stop who picked on me whenever she was there. Though I am a very extroverted person I really struggled with making friends when I was younger. I felt out of place which I think most young adults do, that seems pretty normal. I guess for me I just kind of felt so alone that I had to cope with it in a way that made sense to me. So I often thought about death.

It began as thinking that if I didn't exist I wouldn't be a burden to the world around me, therefore the world would be a better place. Which is a very dark thought to have for a 12 year old. But that's how I felt. I internalized a lot of my emotions because I often felt I didn't have anyone to talk to or I didn't even know how to talk about it.

High School was a better experience for me personally. I know I had depression still but I was rather busy and I did have a social life because of the extracurricular activities I was involved in. I think that helped a lot but when mental illness is in your DNA it's never going to fully go away.

My depression got worse when I went away to college for nine months. I had moved out, lived three hours away from home and I was back a square one. I had no friends, I was ostracized by a group of people on our dorm floor (which is a story for another time). I couldn't get a job because I never had one really. I wasn't 21 so I couldn't go out-out. So most of my time I spent alone in my dorm doing school work and watching Netflix. Because I am an extroverted person this particularly was hard on me. I did manage to get really good grades because that's all I had to do, and eventually I did make a few friends but nonetheless my depression got to the best of me.

The lowest I had ever been was during that time. I was having major anxiety attacks daily for a least a month. I think that when you get to that point it's really hard to be optimistic about the future because it's almost hard to survive. I started hoarding pills which is a bad thing to do. I became so fixated on death because it's all I could fathom at the time. I really felt like my future was pointless and sometimes I still feel that way.

I hate when I come across online posts about people just needing to speak up about their illness like it's so easy and simple. It's not. I got help because my family and best friend were there for me. They saw the issues before I was able to understand the situation itself. People often think all you have to do is ask for help but that's not true either. I was in denial of my mental state and I got to a breaking point. It took someone telling me I had depression to make me realize that what I was experiencing wasn't okay and made me look into myself and admit that I did have a problem I could not solve by avoiding it.

I think some people with depression may not realize they have it and don't think to ask for help because I didn't. I didn't understand, and I didn't think to talk to anyone about it because I was so lost within myself.

So you don't have Depression,

And that's okay! I have met people who have never experienced depression, and I have met people who have seldom experienced depression. I can't even begin to tell you how envious I am of these people. But I think that it is extremely difficult to understand something you don't experience. There are people in my life that I wish I could talk to more about my mental illness but I know they won't understand it, or they'll worry about me in an unnecessary way.

It's not fair to expect everyone to be conscious of something that not everyone experiences equally. Though I experience depression every day there are people who don't experience it at all. And there are people who experience differently than I do. It's not a matter of people fully understanding the difficulties that come with depression, more so about people having the knowledge and education in order to help those around them that deal with depression.

Anxiety 

Though this post is mostly focused on depression we cannot ignore the fact that anxiety plays a major component in mental illness. Depression and Anxiety go hand in hand, even though they are two different conditions. It is pretty common that people with depression will develop a general anxiety disorder and vise versa. Depression and Anxiety are the most common mental illnesses around probably because they overlap one another. 

Anti-Depressants &Therapy

One of the most annoying things that I have encountered on social media would be posts about how medication won't help mental illness, but going outside will. Though going outside, getting sun, or going for a walk can help clear your head it can also be temporary. For someone like me it's a great distraction or break from my depression/anxiety but ultimately it is not going to "cure" me. 

I get that people are against medication, I totally respect that choice. There is nothing wrong with seeking natural remedies if that interests you or is what you think you need. I don't think it's okay to shame people for taking medication for their mental illnesses. To say that taking anti-depressants is bad for you is a generalized idea. The truth is that everyone has different chemical balances and some people need extra help and gaining that help through medication is not bad. You shouldn't shame people for how they deal with their own illness unless it's harmful to others or themselves. 

The other side of it is that there are so many types of medications out there and it is extremely difficult and time consuming to find the right medication. They'll start you on something, up the dosage, lower the dosage, give you something new, repeat trial and error, etc. it is not very enjoyable but can have a positive affect. Like all medication there are risks and side effects but that's why there are so many options out there. So you can explore and see what does work for you. 

People also don't understand that medication can be temporary. Just because you take anti-depressants now doesn't mean you'll need them your entire life. I've gone on them and off them, I started a new medication, you know it's a work in progress. Life is always changing and things happen and maybe you get into a good spot and feel like you don't need them as much and it's okay if that's not the case at all. 

I started therapy last year after an incident at work happened that gave me terrible anxiety. I came to a point where I realized I needed extra help because it began to affect my everyday life and worsened my depression as well. 

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about therapy and counseling, as if going and talking to someone makes you crazy or abnormal. This is simply not true at all. 

Therapy is therapeutic. Obviously. It feels good to express your feelings to someone who has greater knowledge about psychology and can offer you deeper insight to yourself and your life. They can offer advice or recommend strategies to help change up your routine.    

Suicidal Ideation 

People don't understand that there is a gray area of suicidal thoughts. In no way am I saying that Suicidal Thoughts shouldn't be taken seriously - they should.

Suicidal thoughts can lead to possible planning, and unfortunately acting on those thoughts.

For me personally I have suicidal thoughts everyday. I don't have these thoughts because I plan on taking action, I have them because I've become accustom to using these thoughts as an unhealthy coping mechanism. When I feel depressed or stressed out even anxious. Thinking about death takes all the pressure off of whatever I'm concerned about. If I think about not living in the world anymore then I have no responsibility I would have no stress no anxieties or anything negative. Though in theory that sounds ideal it's really not.

My obsession with suicide is difficult to deal with because I do not feel I can openly talk about it. I feel guilty about feeling that way and ultimately I feel ashamed of myself for coming accustom to such dark thoughts. I think the most important thing for people that feel or think this way is that you have to honest with yourself. You have to be honest about what you're thinking about and what you're thinking about doing.

I think it's hard for me to open up about my suicidal thoughts because I don't want the judgement and I don't want people to look at me differently. I'm aware of what is wrong and I'm honest with myself and my therapist and my doctor. I think it's important to talk about mental health because to some degree we have to accept that depression isn't abnormal. By that I mean, because many people experience depression so we shouldn't be ignoring it or putting people down about it.

I'm very opinionated when it comes to depression because I've had it most of my life. I don't think I'm an expert by any means but I do have a lot of experience. With that said,  I really don't like the concept that suicide is a selfish act because I firmly believe that suicide is the result of depression. I believe that suicide happens because people suffer not because they want attention. That is an idea that truly bothers me because when you're in the position questioning whether or not you really want to continue living or not it's because you are so worn down that you deeply feel as though you can't go on. Not only is it a scary feeling but also saddening.

What We Can Do

Unfortunately mental illness is not something we can fully cure at the moment. I believe there are people who are working on methods to get rid of depression however, that is not something we as a society can lean on right now. Though mental illness may not affect everyone it does affect a significant amount of people. And though this article focuses on Depression and Anxiety there are other illnesses out there that are just as important. 

The most important thing we can do is be there for the people around us. To listen for the signs when someone is going through something and needs that extra shoulder to lean on. We're all not going to be licensed therapists but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to be understanding and helpful. 

A significant difference we can make as a culture would be to talk openly about mental illness instead of avoiding it altogether. Encouraging each other to open up be heard and seek help is what really matters. Everyone deserves to live their life, no one deserves to suffer.  

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If you are having suicidal thoughts and feel as though you need to talk to someone there are people out there who understand what you are going through. There are people who will listen and help you through whatever it is you are dealing with. 

Your life matters.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline 24/7 : 1-800-273-8255

Please know that if you are uncomfortable talking on the phone they also have a 24/7 Online Chat.